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Tonight I've finally come to the last month of my calendar. What a year it has been. This has been a year of healing. This has been the year where I shout out loud and tell myself that "it" has to stop. "It" refers to the deep hole I dug in myself, the depression tt had become so habitual, the self-pitying syndrome that drills myself to darkness and the constant, foolish longing for a man who will never love me. "It" is leaving me further and further from my life, especially since I decided to leave that place early this year.

It has been 3/4 of the year tt I have not step into that place already. Ever since leaving that place, I found better studios to learn. I met nicer people, genuine, almost impossibly nice people. It's how true people always say "move on, there are better�things out there". Indeed I found so much more love and freedom the moment I have the courage to stop going that place. Now with yoga and art class in my life, there isn't much time to think of him anymore.

However, occasionally when I do somethings, I still think of him. But it's different now. The difference is that I now feel the relief of knowing I'm in the guidance of better hands.I know I'm taken care of by other groups of pple who really has that knowledge and know what they're doing, and most importantly,they treat me with respect and love. The agony in me, hey come to talk abt it now, I suddenly realise I'm not filled with tt pain and anguish anymore. It's true, time heals things. Maybe sometimes, u simply forget abt it becoz it's no longer ur priority anymore.

I feel good abt what I do now.The only problem is I really want to stop, like completely stop thinking abt him at all. It has been such a habitual thing to just conveniently have him pop up in my mind.The other day, the face of him pop� up in my head so vividly that it scares me.

I know God has something better for me. And I'm still waiting for the right one to come by.I pray to God everynight that 'he' will come. 'he' refers to this dream guy, and I think I have the right to dream the craziest type of man I want. Heck, put ur standard higher, and ask for a great man.I believe what I ask, will be given!!

And now that it has come to December, even though in Jan I promise myself that 2009 is going to be a great year, and that I will get a bf ,which of course I didn't.....but I know I will eventually receive him. In 2010, I really really hope tt I have a boyfriend. I WANT A BOYFRIEND! And I'm going to admit it, I'm desperate for one.

So let's all count down and have a toast, may our new year be filled with much joy and laughter. Stay happy.

this year i have really noticed my age now at 27 things are changing. I feel a responsibility to myself to do better act better eat better make smarter choices. I'm not cute and 22 anymore it's time to take things a little more serious because I am getting older and I'm wanting different things in my life it's not all about me anymore. I'm growing out of that young 20's and into the later 20's realizing that there is life beyond this year or next year and that I need to start making plans that are for the future for my future.

I love visiting my parents they are so supportive and give me so much umph to my life I feel like I can go back to San Francisco recharged and ready for anything that comes my way......I'm slacking and I know that I am I�just need to find my inspiration right now.

went wine tasting today with nick and it was so great to have different company for a change I get so sucked into the girls though I love them all dearly it's def girl time with them so here it is nice to talk about other things espeically family stories and stuff.

Dec 1st baby Dec 1st is the start the kick off if you will to my body, man and job plan!! Do it!! Do it!!

our friend dorthy passed away.It just breaks my faith in the holy spirit,jesus christ,lamb of god his word and god himself. Agin, which has been happening for sevarl years now... and is happening over and over and over all the time. Faith and then no faith.. Peace in my spirit.. and then none.... no answers from the holy spirit. nothing of caLVERY OR HIS SON ALIVE. of calvery regarding my daughter AND WHAT IS HAPPENING BETWEEN HIM AND HER ME AND HER AND THE REST OF US,ABSOULTLY NOTHING IN MY OPIONION, �SHE IS TOTALLY ATHEIST AND HATES ME BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE AND NO ANSWERS TO ANY PRAYER ABOUT THIS. sHE WHOLE HEARTLY despises and hates me now AND HAS BEEN TURNED TOTALLY AGINST ME AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY., no answers.. from heaven OR EVEN FROM HER OR ANYONE ELSE. on waether my mother is dead or alive... no answer, as to why �MY family �NOW hates and disowns me WHEN THEY DID NOT IN THE PAST. i feel he has given the devil �A EVIL SPIRIT OR SPIRITS, a playground in our �HUMAN spirits, IN OUR hearts ,self ,soul ,and mind. CONDEMING US THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB AND HIS LOVE AND HIS WORD BECUSE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS TOTALLY AGINST EVERYTHING HE SAYS IN HIS WORD AND HE FAILD ME MISERABLY BY CONTINUEING TO DO ABSOULTLY NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT IT TURNING HIS ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL ALL PRESENT BACKS ON US AND JUST WATCHING LIKE THAT DOES ANY OF US ANY SALVATION AT ALL YEA RIGHT. i AM TOTALLY CONVINCED OF THIS TOTALLY BY WHAT I FEE,HEAR AND SEE FROM HIM AND EVERY OTHER SPIRIT. MEANING HUMAN THAT ARE REALATED TO ME IN MY FORMER FAMILY FAMILY THAT LOVED GOD AND ME THAT I GREW UP WITH, AND SPIRITS OF THE �OTER WORLD AFTER WE DIE.. �I BELIEVE THIS� statement whole hardly AND COULD NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE BY WHAT I AM EXPEREINCEING INSIDE ME AND OUT SIDE OF ME NUTS OR WHAT EVER. NON BELIEVERS SAY IM NOTS OTHERS WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT THEY SAY THERE NOT GOING THROUGH THIS IN ME I AM ALONE OBVIOUSLY. and am totalyy convinced of �THIS. so i hurt. in my spirit. the fruits of the spirit are not in �ME AT LALL I CANT EVEN PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ENJOY LIFE OR PLAY PRETEND ANY MORE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A LOVING HUBAND AND FAMILY HIS MINE BY MARRIAGE ONLY WHILE HE HAS BOTH ME AND HIS FAMILY.. IT HURT S ME TO THE CORE OF MY SPIRIT AND BEING THAT GODS MERCY DOSNT EXIST FOR ME AND MY FAMILY BEFORE MARRIAGE. �or my atheist daughter �WHO IS SO BLIND SHE CANT EVEN PRAY OR HELP HERSELF IN ANYWAY. LIKE DEMONIC POESSION. AND� the family . THEY CANT OR WONT TURN AROUND EITHER AND I CANT EITHER IT EATS ME UP INSIDE THANK YOU JESUS HOLY SPIRT THANKS ALOT I COUNTED ON YOU AND BELIEVED YOU AND DAM IF I WAS MISTAKEN TO TRUST YOU AGIN DAMIT ANYWAY.that has turned there back on me... i pray the word, witness for him obey to the best of my human ability and it has counted for nothing for about 5 yrs or more not caring enough for me and mine to give an answer in a positive good way like he cliamed in the spirit of his holy word shame on me for thrusting shame on me im stupid . pray the spirit of the word and nothing. is i study the word i stay in the word i do everything he has said from his word and still unsanswered being totally hateful he and his word has turned his back on us totally �soemtimes i see his guidence through emails and messages from churches and websites but how do i know anyof his message is for me or mine when no answers to the prayers said for the 2nd or eternal death for grace love mercy and salvition through his spirit of his won words out of his mouth that hasnt happened or coem to pass . im at an all time low i cant fight this battle raging in my spirit anymore while i watch my shild as i sit here knowing that she could die anysecond and life for eternitiy in the damed from gods presence. �this is more then this human can cope with where is the truth in the spirit of gods word the bible why dosnt it come to pass for us?????�

��������� Misunderstanding can cause words to be said

�������� that will cut like a knife,

������� Things that should have never been spoken.

������� We have to learn that sometimes we have to

������� look at the situation ,then take a deep breath

���� so we can push on in life.

���� Now is the time that we should� I am sorry and

���� face the wrong that we have spoken,to over come

��� this obsticle that we have caused,so our lives can

�� prosper from this mistake and our lives can be happy

�� once again , then and only then� can we� get� our path back

� on track,and be happy in our life� once again.

����������������������������������������������� By:Hilda Butts

�

Had a great turkey day!! very calm and relaxing and I'm thankfull for so much in this life my family, my friends, my travels, my opportunities and my health!! Off to the spa tomorrow for mom time :)

i hate this!!!

i studied, i review, i don't even watch tv as much...

it sucks.... im doing what i can to be better, but all i get is me still struggling with this economics, and this math, but most of all is that econ! ish!

i was so sure with my answers.... i feel STUPID, like im the only one who doesn't get it. i know i'm not the only one, but still im one of those slow people who can't get it right!

i hate this!

i hate this!!!!!! :(

it's too sad.